The Truth About Bulimia and Anorexia

Remuda|Ranch|Bulimia|treatment|center December 21, 2008

Battling Bulimia

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When my therapist recommended inpatient treatment, I stopped seeing him. I was certainly not “that sick”. If I could just find happiness, my bulimia might go away.

My parents were healthcare professionals who gave us a great home, love and many advantages growing up, but there were unspoken high expectations.

My brother, sister and I were high achieving, straight-A students. The “perfect” family outwardly, my spirit was wounded when I did not receive the time and attention I needed from my well-intentioned father. Unknowingly, I was developing a strong hunger for male attention that would later cause me grief. In high school I excelled in sports, and that became the key to my individuality and identity, creating a limelight that did not include my siblings.

My goal was playing volleyball at a well-known NCAA championship college. A knee injury during my freshman year crushed my dreams of becoming a college star—much less an Olympic player. I don’t remember when it started, but soon I was telling myself regularly: “You don’t deserve to eat because you aren’t exercising.” I could find no other identity beyond sports that allowed me to accept myself. In four months I dropped from 184 lbs. to 127 lbs., which, when combined with my height of 6’ 3”, gave me a very thin, model-like appearance. The appreciative way that men looked at me was new and exciting. With all the comments about my weight loss, I felt a sense of achievement and power. I received modeling offers and enjoyed the admiring looks men gave me when I wore my swimsuit. Finally, I was receiving the attention from men that I had longed for. Perhaps I didn’t need my father’s attention after all! I had again found an individuality and identity that provided the limelight I desperately needed to feel good about myself.

Soon, unable to maintain the demented discipline of my self-imposed starvation, and yet needing desperately to keep my new identity, I began to binge…and ultimately to purge. I remember vividly the first time I ate sugar after those four months of starvation. Our family gathered at a traditional July four celebration with friends. After allowing myself a piece of the red, white and blue cake, I shamefully ended up in the pantry finishing off the cake. When I returned to college in August, my eating was still out of control. Shame and the fear of growing fat in front of my peers caused me to start lying to those I loved in order to protect myself. At the end of the semester I decided to transfer to another college because I felt I would be “safe” being an unknown. I deceived my parents by telling them that I was no longer interested in the NCAA championship college if I couldn’t play volleyball. In truth, if I made new friends now, they wouldn’t compare how I looked when I was thin to “fat” me. My fear made me an expert at isolation. Food became my only friend and comfort during those years of isolation.

I took as many as sixty laxatives three or four nights a week. Many nights were spent in the bathtub because I was so sick that I would mess my bed before I could get to the bathroom. By this time my knee was healed, and I found a new passion and purge): mountain biking and hiking. Outwardly I was a picture of health, but inside I was slowly dying. Due to my height, I was easily remembered by people, which only served to deepen my pain. I felt they only noticed that I didn’t look as good as when I was last seen. I avoided family holidays because my fear of appearing fatter or less attractive led to increased laxative abuse. I habitually called in sick to work and concocted a story about having a disease caused by drinking stream water. My size and demeanor intimidated most people, so few would confront my behavior, and I became skillful at intimidation, deception and manipulation. The only person who confronted me regularly and without fear was my mother, so she became the focus of my increasing anger. Pain and fear became my new identity. The inevitability of hospitalization grew as my pain became unbearable, and I began to accept that my body and life were endangered. Frightened and desperate, I told my parents I needed help.

six painful months after my therapist’s confrontation, I admitted my powerlessness and entered inpatient treatment. I found the structure that I needed to begin the recovery process. I lacked the order and discipline in an outpatient setting to even complete the assignments my therapist gave me. Discussing my issues and the resulting emotions always helped while I was in his office. I left each visit with renewed hope and conviction but continued to run into an abyss of bulimia, alcohol, pot and men to numb the pain. Frustration diminished my hope and the feeling of helplessness worsened. The inpatient treatment setting provided the time, safety and accountability I needed to slow down and begin the recovery process. I learned to trust the staff and had time to test relationships. It was important to be in treatment with other eating disordered women. At first, though, I told myself that I wasn’t as sick as they were or my problems weren’t as bad as theirs. However, bold, loving confrontations by staff and peers forced me to face my pain, and I learned about trusting, intimacy and vulnerability. The structured environment and common disease etiology provided an atmosphere in which I could see my pain in their suffering as their insight helped me with my memory work. The very ill patients among us, with their emaciated bodies and diminished lives from their eating disorders, scared me and got my attention. Before treatment I wished that someone would control my food, but in treatment I hated that control for which I had longed. I know now how important it was to my recovery.

I was in treatment long enough to begin to recreate my family dynamics with staff and peers a very important piece of my treatment experience. As I began to experience my triggers, I was unable to run to my illness or other unhealthy coping mechanisms. Inner growth began as I endured the emotional hurt and began to solve my problems. Success at problem solving led to contentment and victory over the triggers. That feeling of contentment gave me courage to carry out the new coping skills I was learning. Only in this structured setting, did I feel safe enough to risk this personal growth stage.

I believe that without my eventual hospitalization I would not have recovered sucssesfully. This program I entered had a spiritual component, which was very important to me. The focused Christian approach provided consistent input from the staff. I learned to transfer the trust I had in them to lord and savior. The recognition of my lack of power and my need for a relationship with god is the basis of my recovery.

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Warning signals of an eating disorder include: isolation, compulsivity, many trips to the bathroom, frequent illness, wieght. fluctuation, inappropriate focus on exercise and food, and an inability to maintain intimacy in relationships. If you think you have an eating disorder, consult a professional. Without treatment, it will never go away.

three years later, I am happily married with a beautiful daughter and another one on the way. For a time, I worked as an advocate for patients with their insurance companies in the same program where I was once a patient. I understand that life is a path strewn with challenges, achievements and failures. But failure is often the foundation for great successes! I now know what it means to be healthy and successful and it has nothing to do with being thin!

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Remuda|Reddstone~eating~disorder~treatment~center December 21, 2008

Programs for Eating Disorders

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Parents need to trust basic instincts regarding their child. Mothers, in particular, often possess a heightened awareness of their childrens distress. Frequently, if a mother/father thinks thier child is experiencing emotional difficulties, she is correct. If parents suspect their child may have an eating disorder, several action steps are recommended:

Pay attention to your child’s changes in eating patterns, weight fluctuations, or mood alterations such as sadness or anxiety.
Parents will benefit by educating themselves on eating disorders–what they are, how they may manifest, what warning signs to look for. Accurate information regarding these disorders can be located at local libraries or on the Internet at websites such as www.nationaleatingdisorders.org or www.anad.org.

It is also recommended that parents take a personal inventory of their own eating patterns. It is particularly important for mothers to examine their own perceptions of weight, dieting, and the value placed on their own appearance. Because mothers often serve as a daughter’s role model, the mother’s perceptions can have a profound influence on her daughters thoughts and behaviors. In fact, a daughter may simply be mimicking a mother’s behavior by dieting and becoming inordinately focused on body size. Once recognized, any unhealthy habits regarding food and appearance must undergo change. It is wise to pose such questions as: Do I eat 3 meals a day with a variety of food groups? Do I label food as good or bad? Am I obsessed with calories, fat, or weight gain?
If the family does not eat meals together, this is a good time to start. Spending time together, enjoying a balanced meal and one-another’s company can strengthen the family and open lines of communication. Yet, this is not the time to address concerns over a possible eating disorder. Speaking prematurely may cause the child to become more secretive in her behavior.

If parents have educated themselves about eating disorders, accumulated objective information from observing their child, and still believe that an eating disorder exists, then a dialogue is called for. First, it must be decided whether both parents will take part. Depending on the family dynamic, the child may feel more comfortable speaking with just 1 parent, though it must always be stressed that the parents are in agreement with one another on the need for intervention. The conversation must be well thought out in advance and the time and place must be carefully chosen. The location needs to be as nonthreatening as possible, and the time chosen when other stressors, conflicts, and distractions are at a minimum. When speaking with the child, it is recommended that the parent use “I” statements such as “I feel concerned about you,” and objective statements such as “I have noticed your clothes are getting loose on you.” List in a cocise order the evidence that you have accumulated. The parent needs to be nonjudgmental, sincere, empathetic, an active listener, and aware of nonverbal body cues.

Despite best efforts, the child may display resistance, denial, and anger. If a parent can view anger as a legitimate, healthy emotion that is worthy of expression, and not react to the anger with defensiveness or additional anger but with a listening heart, then the talk will have a greater chance of a positive situation. Such fruit would be the boy’s willingness to share what is troubling him, such as “fred dumped me for lucy because she’s thinner,” or “I’m afraid to go to college.” End the conversation if going nowhere or if he becomes upset. But leave the window open for further conversations. Have patience: If rejected, try later, explaining that you are coming back because you think the situation is very serious.

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Despite these efforts, resistance and denial may prove stronger and negate honesty and openness. In the absence of self-harming, or suicidal behavior or talk thereof, if eating disorder behavior continues for more than one month it is recommended that the parents seek professional help. Often this starts with a doctor who can establish the medical severity of the illness, evidence of bingeing and purgeing, the discontinuation of the menstrual cycle, etc. A therapist is then consulted to determine level of care, which may be as minimaly as a week counseling session or as intensive as residential treatment. If the child is unwilling to visit a professional, the parents may do so on their own for counsel and assistance with the situation. But always respond during emergencies: If the child is throwing up several times per day, complaining of chest pain, talking about suicide, or engaging in self-mutilating behavior, get help immediately.

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